What is Columbus Day? - Fictitious History Lessons

It is with great excitement and also excitedness that I wish you all a very happy Columbus Day. Now many of you, like myself, haven't the first clue what this holiday celebrates. Well my friends, that's all about to not change!

So sit forward, tense up and get ready to learn things that are totally untrue about most people's 3rd favorite Monday holiday, Columbus Day!

Origin:
It's always good to begin at the beginning and present cited facts about historical records, so I won't. Columbus Day, named after time-machine-enthusiast Timmy Columbus, marks the anniversary of the completion of the Great Pyramid of Giza.

Literally hundreds of years ago, right after Cleopatra contracted the first-recorded case of syphilis from sexy aliens that built the pyramids, Timmy Columbus showed up at Cleopatra's house. While attempting to visit the distant future, he mistakenly set his time machine clock to whatever year she was living in.

His time machine ended up materializing in her bathtub. Thankfully she was out for a walk with King Tut at the time, so no one was injured except for only ten of her bathroom servants who died.

When she returned from her walk, she sent King Tut to the Ancient Egypt Store to buy some beer or something. Upon entering her bathroom, she discovered Timmy Columbus, who had passed out from all the brain-scrambling time travel.

Then she killed him with sex and used his ground-up bones to finish the last block on top of the Pyramid.

Observance:
Many people observe Columbus Day, most of them with their eyes. The blind also celebrate, but they do so privately.

In America, until the late 19th Century it was custom to chase pigeons on Columbus Day. Today, it is considered cruel for adults to chase pigeons, but Americans have been doing so since the late 19th Century, in celebration of Columbus Day.

Food:
Columbus Day revelers never eat on Columbus Day. It is one of the many ways Columbus Day is like lent or some other religious fasting thing.
Clothing:
Clothing is important to wear. If you don't wear clothing, you could be burnt somewhere bad, or end up in jail. And remember, from each dollar you spend on clothing 10 cents is used to starve children. (see above)
Animals:
There's nothing special to mention about animals on Columbus Day.



So there you have it. I bet you never knew you never knew so much about Columbus Day, and guess what? You still don't! Enjoy the day. Drink, don't eat, wear clothes and thank Timmy Columbus, without whom Cleopatra's bathtub might still be around today.